11.28.2010
an excerpt from Emerson
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
11.22.2010
honestly,
I am in a very dry place. I think this comes from romanticizing my spirituality (and perhaps what I thought my life would look like post-high school and post-wedding.) I was an incredibly enthusiastic teenager--for the Lord, for life, for people. After high school, I went through a time of utter, terrible, cynicism. I was so bitter. I have healed and definitely moved away from such dark mindsets, but I still don't feel fully recovered from my distance with the Lord. Being that I am still living in my home town, not serving as a full-time minister in a church, and not spending hours a day passionately in the Presence of God, I have grown slowly apathetic--perhaps even self-loathing. I am not who I want to be. Not who I thought I would be.
I do believe, in faith, that God is doing something deep inside of me. Perhaps even creating the deepest-rooted desire for Him. Desire that cannot be satiated while I feel so far from Him. Passion that is hidden way under day-to-day monotony.
I cannot speak for you, but I know where part of my issue is stemming from: I have become consumed with rationalizing where I am with the Lord. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? How have I strayed from His presence? What could I have changed? What would that have changed? My thoughts are SO inward. So biased, even.
I (confession) have NOT spent time in His Word. Not even five minutes. Sometimes in a week. You see, I am looking for refreshment in rational answers, perhaps even in circumstances. (If only church would be like "this", if only my friends would encourage me in a certain area, if only I could have a spark of passion for Him like before). And I don't feel like I am alone. I feel like all too many of us are living like this. We keep on getting burned out. Week after week, we feel more empty--more guilty. His Words are "Spirit and Life"--those characteristics of which we feel like we are lacking tremendously. We hang on to the hope of each Sunday sermon, the advice of a Godly friend, the scripture we know from the past.
But I know that He wants to speak to ME. Directly. Now. Through His Word. I know this, I know this.
So, although I am 99% a romanticist, I must fight my whimsical feelings, and sit before His Word [with this stubborn feeling of getting on facebook or cutting on the T.V. or picking up another "good read"]. I am taking my advice--or rather, the Lords. I know this is the answer. Not to make me feel better, but to reconstruct my mindset--no longer where I am, how I've failed, how I feel. Rather, who He is, who He has ALWAYS been, in both my most passionate days and my most dry.
So, my advice, that which I will take myself this week (and you can ask me about it to keep me accountable, if you wish!) is to read His Word. If only a verse. If only this passage of assurance:
" 1My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
2For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
3Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
4So you will find favor and good repute
In the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
7Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
8It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones. "
-Proverbs 3:1-8
Over and over again. It's not magic, but it is "Spirit and Life". It will change us. I have this faith.
I pray that in my boldness, in my honesty, that you may have found some courage, some hope. I pray you have some time with Him this week that becomes something to hold onto--something to look to when thoughts become cloudy and overwhelming. He desires to be close to You. He is just as passionate and enthusiastic about you as ever. Nothing has changed that.
I do believe, in faith, that God is doing something deep inside of me. Perhaps even creating the deepest-rooted desire for Him. Desire that cannot be satiated while I feel so far from Him. Passion that is hidden way under day-to-day monotony.
I cannot speak for you, but I know where part of my issue is stemming from: I have become consumed with rationalizing where I am with the Lord. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? How have I strayed from His presence? What could I have changed? What would that have changed? My thoughts are SO inward. So biased, even.
I (confession) have NOT spent time in His Word. Not even five minutes. Sometimes in a week. You see, I am looking for refreshment in rational answers, perhaps even in circumstances. (If only church would be like "this", if only my friends would encourage me in a certain area, if only I could have a spark of passion for Him like before). And I don't feel like I am alone. I feel like all too many of us are living like this. We keep on getting burned out. Week after week, we feel more empty--more guilty. His Words are "Spirit and Life"--those characteristics of which we feel like we are lacking tremendously. We hang on to the hope of each Sunday sermon, the advice of a Godly friend, the scripture we know from the past.
But I know that He wants to speak to ME. Directly. Now. Through His Word. I know this, I know this.
So, although I am 99% a romanticist, I must fight my whimsical feelings, and sit before His Word [with this stubborn feeling of getting on facebook or cutting on the T.V. or picking up another "good read"]. I am taking my advice--or rather, the Lords. I know this is the answer. Not to make me feel better, but to reconstruct my mindset--no longer where I am, how I've failed, how I feel. Rather, who He is, who He has ALWAYS been, in both my most passionate days and my most dry.
So, my advice, that which I will take myself this week (and you can ask me about it to keep me accountable, if you wish!) is to read His Word. If only a verse. If only this passage of assurance:
" 1My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments;
2For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.
3Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart.
4So you will find favor and good repute
In the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
7Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
8It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones. "
-Proverbs 3:1-8
Over and over again. It's not magic, but it is "Spirit and Life". It will change us. I have this faith.
I pray that in my boldness, in my honesty, that you may have found some courage, some hope. I pray you have some time with Him this week that becomes something to hold onto--something to look to when thoughts become cloudy and overwhelming. He desires to be close to You. He is just as passionate and enthusiastic about you as ever. Nothing has changed that.
11.06.2010
paradox and grace
Life is paradoxical. Full of paradoxes.
Today I experienced an enormous failure from being overworked. Yet, this morning I poured over the woman of Proverbs 31 and thought to myself I should really work harder.
I would like to presume that by extending grace to others, I could then best understand God's Grace toward me. Not so. Instead, by recognizing my weaknesses in what seems to be one of the worst weeks of my life, I am utterly in awe of His Incredible Grace towards me. I would rather digest such information through my pure intellect--I would like to believe that I am wise enough to learn lessons without experience. But this is not how He operates. His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I would like to meet the robot-of-a-person who has found the good balance of life without becoming a complete basket case at some point. I would like to meet the man who knows not failure or shame.
That is what I'm working so hard to find. The Perfect Balance.
Humble yet confident.
Optimistic yet reasonable.
Artistic yet organized.
Kind yet strong.
Approachable yet respectable.
Free-spirited yet relatable.
Passionate yet rational.
Hard-working yet at peace.
Perhaps, however, God does not ask for a balanced life. The One who lived the perfect balance was punished for the sin of the world. He who was perfect laid His life as a ransom for all. Balanced? I think not.
Perhaps, instead, God works in the paradoxes of our lives. Perhaps our goal is not to find the balance. Perhaps all of this chaos and lack of balance exists to establish that our goal is to find Him.
I would like to meet the robot-of-a-person who has found the good balance of life without becoming a complete basket case at some point. I would like to meet the man who knows not failure or shame.
That is what I'm working so hard to find. The Perfect Balance.
Humble yet confident.
Optimistic yet reasonable.
Artistic yet organized.
Kind yet strong.
Approachable yet respectable.
Free-spirited yet relatable.
Passionate yet rational.
Hard-working yet at peace.
Perhaps, however, God does not ask for a balanced life. The One who lived the perfect balance was punished for the sin of the world. He who was perfect laid His life as a ransom for all. Balanced? I think not.
Perhaps, instead, God works in the paradoxes of our lives. Perhaps our goal is not to find the balance. Perhaps all of this chaos and lack of balance exists to establish that our goal is to find Him.
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