honestly,

I am in a very dry place. I think this comes from romanticizing my spirituality (and perhaps what I thought my life would look like post-high school and post-wedding.) I was an incredibly enthusiastic teenager--for the Lord, for life, for people. After high school, I went through a time of utter, terrible, cynicism. I was so bitter. I have healed and definitely moved away from such dark mindsets, but I still don't feel fully recovered from my distance with the Lord. Being that I am still living in my home town, not serving as a full-time minister in a church, and not spending hours a day passionately in the Presence of God, I have grown slowly apathetic--perhaps even self-loathing. I am not who I want to be. Not who I thought I would be. 


I do believe, in faith, that God is doing something deep inside of me. Perhaps even creating the deepest-rooted desire for Him. Desire that cannot be satiated while I feel so far from Him. Passion that is hidden way under day-to-day monotony.

I cannot speak for you, but I know where part of my issue is stemming from: I have become consumed with rationalizing where I am with the Lord. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? How have I strayed from His presence? What could I have changed? What would that have changed? My thoughts are SO inward. So biased, even. 


I (confession) have NOT spent time in His Word. Not even five minutes. Sometimes in a week. You see, I am looking for refreshment in rational answers, perhaps even in circumstances. (If only church would be like "this", if only my friends would encourage me in a certain area, if only I could have a spark of passion for Him like before). And I don't feel like I am alone. I feel like all too many of us are living like this. We keep on getting burned out. Week after week, we feel more empty--more guilty. His Words are "Spirit and Life"--those characteristics of which we feel like we are lacking tremendously. We hang on to the hope of each Sunday sermon, the advice of a Godly friend, the scripture we know from the past. 


But I know that He wants to speak to ME. Directly. Now. Through His Word. I know this, I know this.

So, although I am 99% a romanticist, I must fight my whimsical feelings, and sit before His Word [with this stubborn feeling of getting on facebook or cutting on the T.V. or picking up another "good read"]. I am taking my advice--or rather, the Lords. I know this is the answer. Not to make me feel better, but to reconstruct my mindset--no longer where I am, how I've failed, how I feel. Rather, who He is, who He has ALWAYS been, in both my most passionate days and my most dry.

So, my advice, that which I will take myself this week (and you can ask me about it to keep me accountable, if you wish!) is to read His Word. If only a verse. If only this passage of assurance:


"  1My son, do not forget my teaching,
         But let your heart keep my commandments;
    ²For length of days and years of life
         And peace they will add to you.
    ³Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
         Bind them around your neck,
         Write them on the tablet of your heart.
    ⁴So you will find favor and good repute
         In the sight of God and man.
    ⁵Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding.
    ⁶In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight.
    ⁷Do not be wise in your own eyes;
         Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
    ⁸It will be healing to your body
         And refreshment to your bones.   "
                                                    -Proverbs 3:1-8


Over and over again. It's not magic, but it is "Spirit and Life". It will change us. I have this faith.

I pray that in my boldness, in my honesty, that you may have found some courage, some hope. I pray you have some time with Him this week that becomes something to hold onto--something to look to when thoughts become cloudy and overwhelming. He desires to be close to You. He is just as passionate and enthusiastic about you as ever. Nothing has changed that.