the gift of family

“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained” -Winston Churchill

It's been three years since I've visited Michigan, yet upon my first steps in my grandma's door, I remembered why I loved it so much.

It seems that in the craziness of my daily [weekly, monthly] life, I have become so entangled in the game of winning the affection of those around me. Whether my clients or my church members, my acquaintances or my friends.  Don't get me wrong--this 'game', as I called it, is a necessary one. I love these people, and love feels best when reciprocated. 

Family is different. It's an unmatchable feeling to walk in the door and witness the glow on your grandmother's face: pride, love, excitement. She didn't even have to say a word, and I felt my value in her embrace.

It was amazing to spend time with my uncle, aunt, and their new baby boy. So incredible to witness the immediate love and protection of new parents. (Not to mention to watch in amazement as grown men melt before giggles and grins and as women develop a new language paired with this goofy pitch in their voice.) My uncle is hilarious. My dad is hilarious. My uncle and dad together, rehashing memories of their childhood mischief--so incredibly hilarious. 

And the best part of Michigan? The big dinner. The "family reunion" of sorts. Cousins (everybody is a cousin, basically), aunts, uncles, grandparents. My Portuguese family all in one house is similar to what you would experience in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Hugs and stories and laughter and debating. Catching up and sizing up ("Oh my! You've gotten big!"). Is there awkwardness? Of course. But it's amazing that these people immediately inquire about our newly married life. They make strides to get to know my husband, to ask us about our dreams. They care about me, and I didn't even send out 'thank you' cards from our wedding (and it has haunted me to this day). All of the drama (even the family drama) subsides for a minute, and we are all reminded of the connection we were given by birth, by circumstances (some good and some bad), by our choices and the choices of those before us. We are reminded of our past, yet encouraged about our future. There is an embrace that comes without touch and a pride that comes without words.

Family. My favorite gift of the season.

Not because I'm famous, but because they deserve it, here are my gratitude "shout-outs" this Christmas Season.

Thank you so much, Justin Sheffield, for being the best husband a girl could ask for. I am so excited to be in this journey of life with you by my side. I am amazed at the thought that the Lord has crossed our paths for a lifetime. I am blessed. I love you so much.

Thank you, family. Mom and dad--you are the most incredible parents ever. I really could spend hours upon hours pouring out my heart to you. I am so grateful. So blessed. I have never doubted your love. I have never doubted that you care. You have been my greatest investors. I could never repay you for the love, support, [food, clothing, shelter, gas money, wedding...]. J.C. and Chelsea--it's crazy to watch you grow up. I know I only have a few years on you two, but it's still enough to look on with pride and over-protectiveness. Couldn't imagine what life would be like without you. Fights and arguments and sibling drama still exist, but our bond is strong--you are two of my greatest friends. I believe in both of you so much. Don't ever sell yourself short.

Inlaws--The Sheffield Family. I'm sure you never expected your son to fall for one girl majority of his high-school career, then commit to marrying her for the rest of his life, but from day one, you guys have been the sweetest people. Mr. Buddy and Ms. Felicia--you are like second parents to me. I feel the same pride and concern and love in your home as in my own, and couldn't dream of a better family to become a part of. Becky, Sarah, and Caleb--I love you guys so much. I can imagine it's a hard thing watching your brother get married, but you have all loved me so generously. I can't wait for the many, many family dinners to come.

Extended family--Smith side. ;) I couldn't even begin to recall the memories I have with you all. Aunt Kim and Aunt Mel, you have loved me like your own. I have never doubted your support, and I don't doubt for a second that if I faltered you would be there still with open arms. Jamie Jones--you are constantly on my heart. I can't wait to look on as you become the incredible woman you are gifted to be. You have so much life in front of you--don't give up. I believe in you. Aunts and uncles and cousins--when I think of all of our connections, dinners, conversations, and reunions, I can only think of warmth. Love abounds in this family, and it has become a foundation for my life ahead. Poppy and Nana--you are in my heart forever.

Extended family--Bartlebaugh side. Grandma Maggie--you win the most incredible grandma in the world award. You are such a great example of a loving, selfless, hardworking, optimistic woman of God. I have no doubt that the grace and anointing I am walking in now is a result of your prayers (as well as my Nana's.) You are a role model. Grandpa Bartlebaugh--I am certain that I could not even begin to recognize the investment you made in my childhood. You are so much fun to be around, and I treasure our talks about the news or the past or life in general. Can't wait to spend time with you again. Uncle Chris and Aunt Tracy--I admire your relationship with each other. You have both embraced life with diligence and light-heartedness, which creates the perfect formula for the awesome parents you are going to be. Thank you for getting to know me as a grown-up. I love talking to you guys, and can't wait for our relationship to grow as life continues. Extended family--thank you for loving me as I am. I've always been a bit awkward and quirky, but your belief in me has never faltered. I am still amazed that so many of you took the time and money to attend my wedding. That was the greatest gift I could have received. I am even more floored at your involvement in my life on the other side of the celebration. You have kept in contact with me, and loved me (as I mentioned earlier) through my fault of not sending out my 450 thank-you cards. My husband and I are both so grateful for your gifts, and even more grateful for your relationships.

This Christmas, set aside the awkward feelings, the computer, the video games, and the television, and count your blessings. Whatever your family looks like, whoever they are, tell them that you are thankful for them. Family is a beautiful thing. Let us not take it for granted. 

Merry Christmas, everybody.

greed, gratitude, humility.

Greed.

We want what's next. What's best. What's hip and cool.

We tell people in excitement when we will make that purchase. If we don't tell them, they eventually see it. And when they do, we feel better, more hip, more cool.

But oftentimes--more times than not, in America--we are building up this duo-viral disease inside of us. Feeding our green monster. Feeding our pride. Feeding our... stress.

I want my new camera. I want it for my business. I want it for my clients. I want it for the world to see the wonders I can perform with this particular camera model. I have inferred that all the cool people use it. The coolest, even. And I have told everybody I wanted it. Slow to speak, Haley. Slow to speak.

Back in the day, if you wanted something, you worked your little heart out for it. Eventually your work paid off, and you made sure to know [that you know, that you know] that you wanted to invest such hard-earned money for this thing. While you were working, you had the opportunity to really ponder whether or not you wanted it that badly. If you did, you saw the object for not only it's monetary worth, but worth waiting for--worth working for.

Now, if you want something, you sign up for pretend money--money you don't have. With this money, you feel better, more hip, more cool. With this money you, with imaginary funds, are self-promoted to the next bracket of cool people in the world. You have more stuff. Better stuff. Shinier stuff. And the [best] part is, you can feel the sensation of owning such treasures without having to suffer through waiting for it--sometimes, even, without having to suffer through the working for it.

In turn, we have began to appreciate the idea of instant gratification--the idea that we can now have our desires filled with a few questions and a signature. We still owe the money--so you can look at it as if you are still working for it. But waiting for it? Gone. No more waiting.

There are always disclaimers--trust me, I feel as though I've memorized the list. Would this camera be a good addition to my business? A great one. Would getting a loan for it be completely irresponsible? No, it would build my credit. How beneficial would it be to have this camera in December instead of February, or March, or God-willing, next fall? Sure, it would be beneficial. More so, it would be SO impressive!


I feel like Dave Ramsey is on one shoulder and CreditCards.com (yeah, it really exists) is on the other.

Don't get me wrong--I am in no way distributing judgement to those around me. This is an utterly reflective blog. There are people around the world right now, in this moment, taking out loans for items they want. I have no idea where they are at in life, what their game plan is, and, most importantly, I have no idea what their heart is in the matter. Even if I did know what their heart was, who am I to judge their actions?

To reflect on the earlier ramblings of my blog, I do feel as though I have worked my little heart out for this camera. But, if I really wanted to be particular, do I feel as though I have done all that I can do with a 40D? I mean, there are certainly photographers around the world with a 40D that are doing wonders with their camera--photographers who I look up to, strive towards. Not for their equipment, but for their skill. For their talent. For their determination. For their creativity. None of which attributes can be found in an inanimate object. Character counts. Most.

Gratitude.

This value is becoming a fossil in our middle class society. (Generalizing, of course). For many of our American minds, gratitude is a fleeting thought, often a forced thought, before we move on [quickly] to the next thing we want. If that's a bit extreme for you, we can at least admit that gratitude is frequently placed on the back-burner by greed, envy, "deservingness", and reward. Confession: I can't tell you how many times I have said to myself "You deserve this" pertaining to the purchase of something I really didn't need--whether a 700 calorie dessert, or a new shirt, or a larger purchase. (Honesty is painful). Which leads me to my next point:

Humility.

If I were to pause in that moment of "I deserve this", if I were to abruptly interrupt the reeling wheel of disclaimers in my head, as to why this is a good idea and not an irresponsible or greedy one, and compare it with the Word, I would be undeniably rejected. Yet, often times, I pray and pray and pray, hoping to change God's mind--to tell Him that this stuff will make me genuinely happy, when He knows the desires of my heart. Here are some scriptures that make me think twice. Actually, I think it is best described that these verses serve as a drop-kick to my throat.

ABOUT DEBT

"Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another."

Romans 8:13

ABOUT WAITING

"The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenty; but the thoughts of everyone who is hasty only to poverty."

Proverbs 21:5

ABOUT DISCIPLINE

"He who has no rule over his own spirit is like a broken down city without a wall."

Proverbs 25:28

ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF HASTE

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he may have enough to finish it; lest perhaps, after he has laid the foundation and is not able to finish, all those seeing begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.'"

Luke 14:28-30

"A faithful man will abound with blessings, but he who makes haste to be rich will not go unpunished."

Proverbs 28:20

ABOUT CHARACTER

" He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is also unrighteous in much."

Luke 16:10

ABOUT LOVING MONEY

"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless."

Ecclesiastes 5:10

"Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have."

Hebrews 13:5

ABOUT OUR CAPABILITIES IN ANY FINANCIAL CIRCUMSTANCE

"Not that I speak from what I want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:11-13

ABOUT BEING FOOLED BY CREDIT CARD COMPANIES

(Yeah, I went there. It's applicable.)

"The naive believe everything, but the sensible man considers his steps."

Proverbs 14:15

"Also it is not good for a person to be without knowledge, and he who hurries his footsteps errs."

Proverbs 19:2

"Do not weary yourself to gain wealth, cease from your consideration of it"

Proverbs 23:4

This last passage gets me the most, but takes a little explanation:

"Do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interest of others." -Philippians 2:3-4

A couple of years ago, I had this idea. What if I didn't buy anything outside of necessity unless I first bought something of the same amount for someone else? Extreme, I know. And a completely formulated method of giving, which I wouldn't say is directly from the heart of God. But could I live so others minded? Is it possible? And if I did this, how often would I second guess my desire for something? If I had to buy the same for someone else first, would I consider them worth it? The same purchase I was planning on expensing for myself? What if I spent 2011 saving up and buying cameras for all of the aspiring photographers around me? What if instead of continuously adding to my wardrobe, I began to buy clothes from Target and Charolette Russe and Urban Outfitters for people I knew would appreciate them more? What if I were no longer concerned about what I want, but what others need? And which lifestyle would produce the most change? The most impact? Which lifestyle would rattle the core of the community around me? Which is the best form of love expressed in action? Is it possible for me to change? Is it possible to change the world?

"Search me, Oh God, and know my heart; 

Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

Psalm 139:23-24

"All I need is You."

Selah.

an excerpt from Emerson

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

honestly,

I am in a very dry place. I think this comes from romanticizing my spirituality (and perhaps what I thought my life would look like post-high school and post-wedding.) I was an incredibly enthusiastic teenager--for the Lord, for life, for people. After high school, I went through a time of utter, terrible, cynicism. I was so bitter. I have healed and definitely moved away from such dark mindsets, but I still don't feel fully recovered from my distance with the Lord. Being that I am still living in my home town, not serving as a full-time minister in a church, and not spending hours a day passionately in the Presence of God, I have grown slowly apathetic--perhaps even self-loathing. I am not who I want to be. Not who I thought I would be. 


I do believe, in faith, that God is doing something deep inside of me. Perhaps even creating the deepest-rooted desire for Him. Desire that cannot be satiated while I feel so far from Him. Passion that is hidden way under day-to-day monotony.

I cannot speak for you, but I know where part of my issue is stemming from: I have become consumed with rationalizing where I am with the Lord. Why am I here? What did I do to get here? How have I strayed from His presence? What could I have changed? What would that have changed? My thoughts are SO inward. So biased, even. 


I (confession) have NOT spent time in His Word. Not even five minutes. Sometimes in a week. You see, I am looking for refreshment in rational answers, perhaps even in circumstances. (If only church would be like "this", if only my friends would encourage me in a certain area, if only I could have a spark of passion for Him like before). And I don't feel like I am alone. I feel like all too many of us are living like this. We keep on getting burned out. Week after week, we feel more empty--more guilty. His Words are "Spirit and Life"--those characteristics of which we feel like we are lacking tremendously. We hang on to the hope of each Sunday sermon, the advice of a Godly friend, the scripture we know from the past. 


But I know that He wants to speak to ME. Directly. Now. Through His Word. I know this, I know this.

So, although I am 99% a romanticist, I must fight my whimsical feelings, and sit before His Word [with this stubborn feeling of getting on facebook or cutting on the T.V. or picking up another "good read"]. I am taking my advice--or rather, the Lords. I know this is the answer. Not to make me feel better, but to reconstruct my mindset--no longer where I am, how I've failed, how I feel. Rather, who He is, who He has ALWAYS been, in both my most passionate days and my most dry.

So, my advice, that which I will take myself this week (and you can ask me about it to keep me accountable, if you wish!) is to read His Word. If only a verse. If only this passage of assurance:


"  1My son, do not forget my teaching,
         But let your heart keep my commandments;
    ²For length of days and years of life
         And peace they will add to you.
    ³Do not let kindness and truth leave you;
         Bind them around your neck,
         Write them on the tablet of your heart.
    ⁴So you will find favor and good repute
         In the sight of God and man.
    ⁵Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding.
    ⁶In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight.
    ⁷Do not be wise in your own eyes;
         Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
    ⁸It will be healing to your body
         And refreshment to your bones.   "
                                                    -Proverbs 3:1-8


Over and over again. It's not magic, but it is "Spirit and Life". It will change us. I have this faith.

I pray that in my boldness, in my honesty, that you may have found some courage, some hope. I pray you have some time with Him this week that becomes something to hold onto--something to look to when thoughts become cloudy and overwhelming. He desires to be close to You. He is just as passionate and enthusiastic about you as ever. Nothing has changed that. 

paradox and grace

Life is paradoxical. Full of paradoxes.

Today I experienced an enormous failure from being overworked. Yet, this morning I poured over the woman of Proverbs 31 and thought to myself I should really work harder. 

I would like to presume that by extending grace to others, I could then best understand God's Grace toward me. Not so. Instead, by recognizing my weaknesses in what seems to be one of the worst weeks of my life, I am utterly in awe of His Incredible Grace towards me. I would rather digest such information through my pure intellect--I would like to believe that I am wise enough to learn lessons without experience. But this is not how He operates. His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I would like to meet the robot-of-a-person who has found the good balance of life without becoming a complete basket case at some point. I would like to meet the man who knows not failure or shame.

That is what I'm working so hard to find. The Perfect Balance.

Humble yet confident.
Optimistic yet reasonable.
Artistic yet organized.
Kind yet strong.
Approachable yet respectable.
Free-spirited yet relatable.
Passionate yet rational.
Hard-working yet at peace.

Perhaps, however, God does not ask for a balanced life. The One who lived the perfect balance was punished for the sin of the world. He who was perfect laid His life as a ransom for all. Balanced? I think not.

Perhaps, instead, God works in the paradoxes of our lives. Perhaps our goal is not to find the balance. Perhaps all of this chaos and lack of balance exists to establish that our goal is to find Him.

start

There exists a passion deep inside me to write.

Not necessarily to an audience yet, perhaps not even for an audience.

I desire to perfect my writing. My skills are currently void of correct punctuation, precise grammar, or a studied vocabulary. I find myself in admiration of my high-school years, eager with the pen.

I delight in what I would now consider skills of the past. I am fascinated by those who are crafty in handwriting. So much that if I were capable of writing this blog in pen, and sharing it with the world, I would prefer to do so. Additionally, it is frequently more difficult for me to enjoy modern writings than classics. I could spend hours pouring over C.S. Lewis. I want to be knowledgable in the classic poets, of all literature eras. The novels and ideas I spent so much time learning in high school are slipping from memory's grasp, my appreciation depreciating.

I want to use words like paint. Intentional strokes crafted diligently so that at some end they may create a work of art.

I want to learn the Deeper Things of God--to be a student of His Word, a passionate communicator of His Truth. I want to make His followers and enemies yearn for more of Him.

I have become lost in a world of facebook and google--ironically, of blogs and tweets. I pray that in re-embracing these arts of poetry, Biblical studies, literature, and writing, I can in some way guard my heart from the calluses subtly caused by digital pressure.

I look forward to this journey and pray that the Lord keeps me both enthusiastic and humble. Quick to listen and slow to speak. Intentional and intelligent--though fully reliant on His knowledge alone.

Thank you for reading.